Church

I want to go to church I really do. Funny thing is I haven't been regularly in years. It's weird, it is almost like I am not supposed to be in church right now. A few years ago, I was going to this very small church, only about 30 people or so average. I never really felt apart of the church or anything but I loved the pastor and l learned a lot. So I kept going. Alex would only go once in a while, he had a hard time relating to the same level as the pastor. So, due to drama that occurred before I started going to the church, the church started to decline even more. More and more people left, so there was only 15 or so. I still tried to feel apart of the church as far as fellowship goes but it only got worse in my opinion. So I stopped going. I tried the other church that many who left were attending, but decided I didnt really like it, this time the opposite, I liked the fellowship but didnt like the pastor. So I saw my old pastor again and decided I wanted to try to go again, I found out that they were no longer meeting in the church building but at his home, so I got his address. Of course, I lost it. So there was one big connection I had with him, but I didn't know the person very well. So I started talking to him and was leading to asking him about the address. A few days later the pastor past away suddenly. I couldn't believe it, right when I was about to go back. I was totally lost. So over the these few years I have tried a several churches and they all haven't worked out. Some church I was invited to randomly and thought for sure it was meant to be but then they didn't seem "right." In fact, once I was randomly invited to a church that just so happened to be using the same building of the church I was going to with the pastor that passed away. Most recently I decided I was going to try a church that might be a bit of a drive. So I went and I liked it. I spoke with a woman for many hours. I was pretty excited, I was hoping Alex would like it too. Then a few weeks later (in fact, a few weeks ago) the pastor stepped down and was no longer going to be apart of the church. Sure, I could try it again and see how the other pastor does but there were a few things that I wasn't too sure about in the first place as far as the organization of the church and I just don't think it's a good time to start going to a church in the midst of so much drama and separation. So, it's like, "What is going on??" Every time I try, I hit a dead end as far as going to church. I felt lead to really try and cultivate and concentrate on my own personal relationship with God and then in God's timing he would lead me to the right church. Maybe I should try harder! The whole thing is a big messy cycle and I just keep praying for a church.