Chapter 1- Our friendship to relationship (through my eyes, then and now)

 The year 1999, Coronado High School was my new school. I had just moved from Spring Valley (south east San Diego) to Coronado (a military island known to be of a particularly wealthy community of San Diego) navy housing. A school bus service picked us navy kids up in the neighborhood and took us to school a little bit before school started. At the same time, Alex's best friend at the time needed to be at school much earlier. So a bunch of us early kids would hang out in the cafeteria before school started. Yet, as the months progressed and people started branching off into their own groups and cliques, less people hung out in the cafeteria. Into the year 2000 (later on in the school year), it kind of worked out that it was just me, Alex, his best friend and some others that would appear every once in a while. So we became friends, with little knowledge of how it actually ended up working out that way in particular. Little did I know he was forming a bit of a crush on me and after a while claimed to his best friend "I could see myself marrying her." We didn't know each other well and had our separate lives but we definitely had a solid friendship, even outside of school. We never actually had classes together(at this point). A few years later, I found out about his feelings toward me from someone else. Honestly, I wasn't interested in any kind of relationship during high school but in particular I didn't feel the same way toward Alex. So for a while I kept a certain distance as I didn't want to tease or encourage him. Yet, we still remained friends, we hung out every once in a while and had mutual friends. I honestly enjoyed his company and always felt comfortable with him. At some point I felt as though he no longer was interested in me. At this point, I was more comfortable with spending more time with him. Then came our final year in high school. At this point we talked mostly through instant message and e-mail. This year though, we actually ended up having 2 classes together. So our friendship began to grow in a way it hadn't before, we actually started getting to know each other. At a point, I was made aware by a third party that he was still interested in me and that he never really stopping liking me at all. That school year continued on and we became closer than ever. I loved spending time with him and began to realize I had to make a choice. Either I was going to give our friendship all I had to give or not. Knowing that it meant that it could potentially cause a deeper situation. I made the choice to give it all I had and also decided Alex was the best friend I had. I could always count on him. Those next few months were full of ups and downs in our friendship as far as Alex's feelings, he was being pulled in and out, sometimes I would act as though he had a chance and then I would shoot him down(in some indirect way) and hurt his feelings. I chose to somewhat ignore his deeper feelings for me and sort of pretend I didn't know, I chose to be naive. I didn't purposely hurt him, but I chose not to care if I did. I felt a sort of liking towards him but I refused to acknowledge deeper feelings toward him. Honestly, I was in complete denial, I had no idea my true feelings. One interesting fact. Prom was around the corner and there was a huge drama with who I was going to go with and I decided to lay it all out for Alex. I was going to e-mail him, let him know I knew everything and that I was not interested in a relationship and the reasons why etc and that I didn't want to go to prom with him and the reasons why. There were two separate e-mails. I stayed up all night writing these emails. I sent the prom e-mail letting him know there was no way I was going to go to my senior prom with a date who will not dance with me(among other reasons). Then, the most important email, the email I put a lot of time and energy into, the email that put it all out there, told him I knew everything and that I was uninterested in a relationship particularly with him and the reasons why. The e-mail that could potentially stop anything from happening any further right then and there was finished up. I went to sign my name and the entire window/email vanished. Now there was a possibility that I accidentally pressed ctrl- something, instead of shift D to make the window close out but that hadn't ever happened to me before and never happened since! Anyway, prom was drawing closer, everything remained the same. Alex's feelings were growing stronger and I was in more denial than ever. Alex decided that he was going to officially ask me to prom regardless and make a commitment to dance with me. In the mean time I was actively searching for someone to go to prom with. Someone who would dance with me! So I finally found someone, went up to him and asked him. He said yes and I had a date to prom. I met up with Alex later that day," Guess what guys(his best friend was there of course) ?! I have a date to prom!" Alex's heart dropped as he was planning on asking me later that day. He had been the one to set up the limo ride to prom and everything! So we all ended up going as a group. We met at Alex's house, Alex, his best friend James, my best friend Ashlie and her date, me and of course my date. Alex's mom was there to help with pictures at his house where the limo showed up and we all piled into the limo. I know, I know....totally brutal for Alex. The night went on, Alex in totally agony. I tried to cheer him up but it just made things worse for him. Yet, he did promise me one slow dance. The night went on, our group got in line for pictures when the next slow song came on. So we skipped that one. The next slow song wasn't until the "last" song of the night. And we dance. All My Life by K-Ci & Jojo played in the background which was a song that had profound meaning to me but more than just the music, I felt an ultimate comfort, like nothing else mattered and I was right where I was supposed to be, in the arms of Alex. Another song played, we kept dancing, and then our goofy teacher started singing and the lights came on and we kept dancing. Finally, a friend came to break us up and the whole denial thing was working less and less for me as the moments passed by. We all piled back into the limo, during the limo ride I was hanging out with my date and this overwhelming feeling came over me, something I hadn't realized before, with Alex it IS different. At that very moment all denial had faded away.....I realized I did have feelings for Alex but it was deeper than just plain fuzzy feelings it was a comfort and a closeness, it was trust and connection. You see, I believe to this day that it had to work out that I didn't go to prom with Alex in order for me to burst out of the friendship denial to realize it really was different with Alex. If I had gone to prom with him it would be just like any other event where I would attribute our good time with the fact that we were best friends. Over the next week or so I became more aware of the reality of beginning a relationship with Alex. So a few days before actual graduation, there was an award ceremony that I was attending. Afterward, Alex and I planned to go see Finding Nemo at the movie theaters. During the trolley ride there and back I pictured us together. We got back to his place later on that evening. We began to talk. He was so embarrassed and holding back and I told him, "Just tell me, tell me how you feel!" He took a deep breath and told me he loved me. I was actually a little bit surprised. I didn't really realize that he felt that strongly. I told him, I didn't think I could say the same but that I really cared for him and that I wanted to try and see what happens between us in a relationship. Honestly, I told him right then that there was a good chance we would get married. This was because I didn't take my relationships lightly, I was only willing to start a relationship with someone who I could  possibly marry. Both of us were not sure if it would work out that way but I believe we both knew deep down that it was true. We both made a commitment in our hearts not to take our relationship lightly and to treat it as if we planned to get married. I felt a special love from Alex because I knew of how long he had felt the way he had and how he never gave up his feelings. This gave me hope that we were meant to be together. So, in that moment our relationship began, we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Alex likes to claim that he "broke" me because I told him I didn't want to date "in high school". He can have that point. However, it should be pointed out that the reasons for not wanting to date "in high school" no longer mattered a few days before graduation. Hehe.To be continued........

Church

I want to go to church I really do. Funny thing is I haven't been regularly in years. It's weird, it is almost like I am not supposed to be in church right now. A few years ago, I was going to this very small church, only about 30 people or so average. I never really felt apart of the church or anything but I loved the pastor and l learned a lot. So I kept going. Alex would only go once in a while, he had a hard time relating to the same level as the pastor. So, due to drama that occurred before I started going to the church, the church started to decline even more. More and more people left, so there was only 15 or so. I still tried to feel apart of the church as far as fellowship goes but it only got worse in my opinion. So I stopped going. I tried the other church that many who left were attending, but decided I didnt really like it, this time the opposite, I liked the fellowship but didnt like the pastor. So I saw my old pastor again and decided I wanted to try to go again, I found out that they were no longer meeting in the church building but at his home, so I got his address. Of course, I lost it. So there was one big connection I had with him, but I didn't know the person very well. So I started talking to him and was leading to asking him about the address. A few days later the pastor past away suddenly. I couldn't believe it, right when I was about to go back. I was totally lost. So over the these few years I have tried a several churches and they all haven't worked out. Some church I was invited to randomly and thought for sure it was meant to be but then they didn't seem "right." In fact, once I was randomly invited to a church that just so happened to be using the same building of the church I was going to with the pastor that passed away. Most recently I decided I was going to try a church that might be a bit of a drive. So I went and I liked it. I spoke with a woman for many hours. I was pretty excited, I was hoping Alex would like it too. Then a few weeks later (in fact, a few weeks ago) the pastor stepped down and was no longer going to be apart of the church. Sure, I could try it again and see how the other pastor does but there were a few things that I wasn't too sure about in the first place as far as the organization of the church and I just don't think it's a good time to start going to a church in the midst of so much drama and separation. So, it's like, "What is going on??" Every time I try, I hit a dead end as far as going to church. I felt lead to really try and cultivate and concentrate on my own personal relationship with God and then in God's timing he would lead me to the right church. Maybe I should try harder! The whole thing is a big messy cycle and I just keep praying for a church.