Dear two people (ex-roommates) who took advantage of me and my husband Alex :

I must say that we probably asked for everything that happened as a result of us trusting, helping and believing in you. We gave you our time, our money, our emotion and the benefit of the doubt. We helped you when you needed it and fell for your tears and your stories. 
Stories of how you never wanted to see your boyfriend again and how you wanted to get better and make amends after rehab. We wanted to believe, we wanted to trust that you would fulfill your promises. We wanted to trust every word you said to be fact and not fiction. But, in fact, it was all fiction.

Life's Decisions and Choices

Life is a series of decisions and choices. How do you know if you are making the right choice or decision? That is the question. You can pray for the wisdom to make the right choice but still, how do you really know? I just pray that things work out the way they are meant to. Some things happen that are beyond my contol but happen because of a series of events that lead up to it. I just wonder if I made the right intital choice. When a goal is met I can usually look back and feel at peace about the way it worked out and the timing of it. Yet, when I am waiting and praying and hoping for things to happen a certain way and then they don't, I start to doubt. I start to doubt everything including God and His interactions with me. I wonder if I did something wrong or if God really has my best interest in mind. Is he punishing me or blessing me? How do I know?? I also wonder how much God is in control. Is God involved in every event that happens or is is more like the weather where He only kind of controls it? I know that I want to do the right thing and that I thank God when something good happens that without a doubt is a bleasing.Is that all I can do in life? Hope and pray that I am not wasting my life away by continuously making the wrong decisions?

Growing Apart

  I am always thinking about my best friend growing up, Jessica Merten. We had been friends ever since we lived next door to each in the early 90's. Both of our families moved all over the place growing up so we didn't stay super close. However, we always made time to spend time together and when we did spend time together we always had fun. I must say though, I could be considered impolite at times. I never meant to be that way. In fact, I always had the best of intentions. I just can see now how I could have come across as impolite and closed minded/judgmental. 
So, now we don't talk anymore. It has been a few years.  We continued our friendship for a few year as adults,we even went to college together for a little while and had a lot of fun spending our break times together and she was my maid of honor and my wedding. There was a few years were we only talked for a little bit but I could tell she was pulling away. I attempted to hold it together as I continued to call her and try and get together. Last time we saw each other, we were trying to go to the gym together. So we met for a fitness class pretty early in the morning. I am not good at getting up and going to something really early like that, especially back then. I was a little late. Then we made plans to meet up for the next class. I ended up getting called into work for that time and called a few days earlier to let her know. I told her to give me a call back and we could schedule another time. I never got a call back. I put in another call to her a little bit later and never got a call back.
I finally decided to let her go. If she wanted to contact me she has all of my information. It became official that she no longer was interested in being friends. I will say it was pretty hard to take. When you grow up with someone and that person has always been there and then its all over.
Since there was no explanation or specific big falling out it was especially difficult. I thought about all the things I did wrong. Thinking of all the things I would like to share with her.  I wondered if we would ever meet again or even reconcile. I wonder how she is doing, always wishing her well. I miss her.
Although lately I've been thinking about the other side of it. How she feels and felt about it. I realize that its just a process of growing apart. I am guessing she just felt that she could no longer connect with me as a friend. There was no explanation because she really couldn't explain why.
I guess I am just really trying to be understanding of the idea of growing apart. The idea that two people can care for each other and those two people become too different and can no longer connect with each in the same way. Therefore, the relationship is tainted and it just ends. No one really is to blame. The interest is no longer there. It is not an idea I am used to but I feel like I can accept it because I am learning that a lot of people have felt that way before. It is okay.

Finding a place to live

Trying to find a place to settle down and find a new home is exhausting. First, having to find all of the different websites that list rentals. Next, searching through all of the listings to find ones that look nice and fit your guidelines. Then, going to look at the places. A lot of places will be nice and have almost everything you are looking for except one issue. Anyways, we searched and found a place we really like. Has everything we have on our checklist with a few pretty minor issues. Only problem now is the communication with the landlord. We slowed down our looking once we found this place. I spoke with the current tenants, they said the landlord is great. Was able to talk to her once on the phone, then we have been in communication over e-mail for the most part from there. We did turn in applications and now we are pending an answer. I just would prefer a little better communication but maybe she is busy and that is a lot to ask in a fairly quick amount of time?? I just am so anxious for an answer. I really feel it can go either way. Same feeling I had about nursing school and I didn't get in this year. Just wondering if I can ever get something I want. I mean I believe everything will work out the best way for us in the end it's just it would be nice to actually get something I want after everything I have gone through trying to live this adult life.

supid computer

My keyboard is broken. I cant even describe what it does but it magically moves the cursor around without me doing anything. But now it just made me really mad because I was a few paragraphs in talking about our moving process when it caused my text to magically disappear. I do not have the time to re write everything. But because of my new routine of having to write something in here everyday, this is what I will write.

Routines : /

I went to an herbalist/nutritionist/acupuncturist/life coach.....Rose Stanfill in San Diego. She was exactly what I was looking for. She suggested that I try and set a new routine each week as I told her I am so bad at routines. I think it is a good and do-able goal. My first week was more focused on setting new routines for taking supplements. I can get into my routines on that later as my second routine I decided to focus on is writing in my blog everyday. I want to make it a routine and stick with it. Sometimes I go so deep in thought on a subject or topic in my mind or conversation and wish I could write it down but I never take the time to do so. Also, I have had a hard time conveying my thoughts once I sit down to write. I figure if I make it a routine and set the goal to write something down everyday it will start to come to me easier. Several interesting things have happened lately, like we had a blackout where the electricity we are all so very accustomed to stopped working, for most of southern California and it lasted for about 8 hours. Only thing was, we didn't know if it was going to last longer. It was a very interesting day. Alex and I are looking for a new place to live, a nice place to move to that we can stay for awhile. It is a long a tiring process but it would be nice to document it. I have so many topics of interest like food, (Christian) faith, love, family, life in general, relationships, buying ethically( therefore economically), nursing, daily life and inspirational quotes/verses/sayings etc. The bottom line is that if I sit down to write at least once a day, I know that I will end up coming up with really interesting things to say. It's just sometimes I sit down and all that comes to me are my struggles but I do not want to focus on that. So here is the start of my first routine. I am having to make a routine to make routines so hopefully all of this therapy will really work out for me.