New thought

I need to stop trying to understand the reason behind everything and just focus on being content in all situtations. I do not have to be overjoyed all of the time in every situation life brings me. I philosophize about everything to an overwhelming and exhausting point. I propose focusing on myself by mediating, praying and focusing on setting routines. We all know how well I am at setting routines.....yet it is a crucial part of everything else. If I could just make it a priority, above all else I think I can do it. I just have to resist all temptations to go against the routines I have set. If I focus on myself, I will radiate more positivity, be less emotional, less depressed and less stressed. These are all important when it comes to loving others because I cannot fully love others if I am wounded myself.

'Nuff said...

Did I mention I'm not good with routines, especially ones that don't work out the way I planned??

Dear two people (ex-roommates) who took advantage of me and my husband Alex :

I must say that we probably asked for everything that happened as a result of us trusting, helping and believing in you. We gave you our time, our money, our emotion and the benefit of the doubt. We helped you when you needed it and fell for your tears and your stories. 
Stories of how you never wanted to see your boyfriend again and how you wanted to get better and make amends after rehab. We wanted to believe, we wanted to trust that you would fulfill your promises. We wanted to trust every word you said to be fact and not fiction. But, in fact, it was all fiction.

Life's Decisions and Choices

Life is a series of decisions and choices. How do you know if you are making the right choice or decision? That is the question. You can pray for the wisdom to make the right choice but still, how do you really know? I just pray that things work out the way they are meant to. Some things happen that are beyond my contol but happen because of a series of events that lead up to it. I just wonder if I made the right intital choice. When a goal is met I can usually look back and feel at peace about the way it worked out and the timing of it. Yet, when I am waiting and praying and hoping for things to happen a certain way and then they don't, I start to doubt. I start to doubt everything including God and His interactions with me. I wonder if I did something wrong or if God really has my best interest in mind. Is he punishing me or blessing me? How do I know?? I also wonder how much God is in control. Is God involved in every event that happens or is is more like the weather where He only kind of controls it? I know that I want to do the right thing and that I thank God when something good happens that without a doubt is a bleasing.Is that all I can do in life? Hope and pray that I am not wasting my life away by continuously making the wrong decisions?

Growing Apart

  I am always thinking about my best friend growing up, Jessica Merten. We had been friends ever since we lived next door to each in the early 90's. Both of our families moved all over the place growing up so we didn't stay super close. However, we always made time to spend time together and when we did spend time together we always had fun. I must say though, I could be considered impolite at times. I never meant to be that way. In fact, I always had the best of intentions. I just can see now how I could have come across as impolite and closed minded/judgmental. 
So, now we don't talk anymore. It has been a few years.  We continued our friendship for a few year as adults,we even went to college together for a little while and had a lot of fun spending our break times together and she was my maid of honor and my wedding. There was a few years were we only talked for a little bit but I could tell she was pulling away. I attempted to hold it together as I continued to call her and try and get together. Last time we saw each other, we were trying to go to the gym together. So we met for a fitness class pretty early in the morning. I am not good at getting up and going to something really early like that, especially back then. I was a little late. Then we made plans to meet up for the next class. I ended up getting called into work for that time and called a few days earlier to let her know. I told her to give me a call back and we could schedule another time. I never got a call back. I put in another call to her a little bit later and never got a call back.
I finally decided to let her go. If she wanted to contact me she has all of my information. It became official that she no longer was interested in being friends. I will say it was pretty hard to take. When you grow up with someone and that person has always been there and then its all over.
Since there was no explanation or specific big falling out it was especially difficult. I thought about all the things I did wrong. Thinking of all the things I would like to share with her.  I wondered if we would ever meet again or even reconcile. I wonder how she is doing, always wishing her well. I miss her.
Although lately I've been thinking about the other side of it. How she feels and felt about it. I realize that its just a process of growing apart. I am guessing she just felt that she could no longer connect with me as a friend. There was no explanation because she really couldn't explain why.
I guess I am just really trying to be understanding of the idea of growing apart. The idea that two people can care for each other and those two people become too different and can no longer connect with each in the same way. Therefore, the relationship is tainted and it just ends. No one really is to blame. The interest is no longer there. It is not an idea I am used to but I feel like I can accept it because I am learning that a lot of people have felt that way before. It is okay.

Finding a place to live

Trying to find a place to settle down and find a new home is exhausting. First, having to find all of the different websites that list rentals. Next, searching through all of the listings to find ones that look nice and fit your guidelines. Then, going to look at the places. A lot of places will be nice and have almost everything you are looking for except one issue. Anyways, we searched and found a place we really like. Has everything we have on our checklist with a few pretty minor issues. Only problem now is the communication with the landlord. We slowed down our looking once we found this place. I spoke with the current tenants, they said the landlord is great. Was able to talk to her once on the phone, then we have been in communication over e-mail for the most part from there. We did turn in applications and now we are pending an answer. I just would prefer a little better communication but maybe she is busy and that is a lot to ask in a fairly quick amount of time?? I just am so anxious for an answer. I really feel it can go either way. Same feeling I had about nursing school and I didn't get in this year. Just wondering if I can ever get something I want. I mean I believe everything will work out the best way for us in the end it's just it would be nice to actually get something I want after everything I have gone through trying to live this adult life.

supid computer

My keyboard is broken. I cant even describe what it does but it magically moves the cursor around without me doing anything. But now it just made me really mad because I was a few paragraphs in talking about our moving process when it caused my text to magically disappear. I do not have the time to re write everything. But because of my new routine of having to write something in here everyday, this is what I will write.

Routines : /

I went to an herbalist/nutritionist/acupuncturist/life coach.....Rose Stanfill in San Diego. She was exactly what I was looking for. She suggested that I try and set a new routine each week as I told her I am so bad at routines. I think it is a good and do-able goal. My first week was more focused on setting new routines for taking supplements. I can get into my routines on that later as my second routine I decided to focus on is writing in my blog everyday. I want to make it a routine and stick with it. Sometimes I go so deep in thought on a subject or topic in my mind or conversation and wish I could write it down but I never take the time to do so. Also, I have had a hard time conveying my thoughts once I sit down to write. I figure if I make it a routine and set the goal to write something down everyday it will start to come to me easier. Several interesting things have happened lately, like we had a blackout where the electricity we are all so very accustomed to stopped working, for most of southern California and it lasted for about 8 hours. Only thing was, we didn't know if it was going to last longer. It was a very interesting day. Alex and I are looking for a new place to live, a nice place to move to that we can stay for awhile. It is a long a tiring process but it would be nice to document it. I have so many topics of interest like food, (Christian) faith, love, family, life in general, relationships, buying ethically( therefore economically), nursing, daily life and inspirational quotes/verses/sayings etc. The bottom line is that if I sit down to write at least once a day, I know that I will end up coming up with really interesting things to say. It's just sometimes I sit down and all that comes to me are my struggles but I do not want to focus on that. So here is the start of my first routine. I am having to make a routine to make routines so hopefully all of this therapy will really work out for me.

well here it goes.....

At 26 (going on 27) I feel like I still struggle with the same things that I struggled with at 20. I mean mainly the issue is still my time management. But this lack of time management in combination with sleeping too much effects so much of my productiveness. The thing is, I have so much knowledge and wisdom and great ideas but putting it all together is where I get lost. I hate talking about it because it feels so hopeless at this point because I have had such a problem with it for so long and everytime I get a surge of motivation or a great idea it seems to fade away before it ever helps at all. I just don't know what to do. I feel like a good/intensive ADHD therapy would go a long way in helping me. Every area that I can think of that is keeping me from really succeeding in life can be solved with some kind of real good ADHD therapy that includes time management skills and some kind of neurological work, I am not sure if that means trying neurofeedback, holistic health or traditional stimulant medication. I just wish I could find someone that is very specialized that would be willing to listen to me and help me find the best kind of therapy for me. I really feel like if I cannot figure this out that I am going to be in big trouble in life.  

Chapter 1- Our friendship to relationship (through my eyes, then and now)

 The year 1999, Coronado High School was my new school. I had just moved from Spring Valley (south east San Diego) to Coronado (a military island known to be of a particularly wealthy community of San Diego) navy housing. A school bus service picked us navy kids up in the neighborhood and took us to school a little bit before school started. At the same time, Alex's best friend at the time needed to be at school much earlier. So a bunch of us early kids would hang out in the cafeteria before school started. Yet, as the months progressed and people started branching off into their own groups and cliques, less people hung out in the cafeteria. Into the year 2000 (later on in the school year), it kind of worked out that it was just me, Alex, his best friend and some others that would appear every once in a while. So we became friends, with little knowledge of how it actually ended up working out that way in particular. Little did I know he was forming a bit of a crush on me and after a while claimed to his best friend "I could see myself marrying her." We didn't know each other well and had our separate lives but we definitely had a solid friendship, even outside of school. We never actually had classes together(at this point). A few years later, I found out about his feelings toward me from someone else. Honestly, I wasn't interested in any kind of relationship during high school but in particular I didn't feel the same way toward Alex. So for a while I kept a certain distance as I didn't want to tease or encourage him. Yet, we still remained friends, we hung out every once in a while and had mutual friends. I honestly enjoyed his company and always felt comfortable with him. At some point I felt as though he no longer was interested in me. At this point, I was more comfortable with spending more time with him. Then came our final year in high school. At this point we talked mostly through instant message and e-mail. This year though, we actually ended up having 2 classes together. So our friendship began to grow in a way it hadn't before, we actually started getting to know each other. At a point, I was made aware by a third party that he was still interested in me and that he never really stopping liking me at all. That school year continued on and we became closer than ever. I loved spending time with him and began to realize I had to make a choice. Either I was going to give our friendship all I had to give or not. Knowing that it meant that it could potentially cause a deeper situation. I made the choice to give it all I had and also decided Alex was the best friend I had. I could always count on him. Those next few months were full of ups and downs in our friendship as far as Alex's feelings, he was being pulled in and out, sometimes I would act as though he had a chance and then I would shoot him down(in some indirect way) and hurt his feelings. I chose to somewhat ignore his deeper feelings for me and sort of pretend I didn't know, I chose to be naive. I didn't purposely hurt him, but I chose not to care if I did. I felt a sort of liking towards him but I refused to acknowledge deeper feelings toward him. Honestly, I was in complete denial, I had no idea my true feelings. One interesting fact. Prom was around the corner and there was a huge drama with who I was going to go with and I decided to lay it all out for Alex. I was going to e-mail him, let him know I knew everything and that I was not interested in a relationship and the reasons why etc and that I didn't want to go to prom with him and the reasons why. There were two separate e-mails. I stayed up all night writing these emails. I sent the prom e-mail letting him know there was no way I was going to go to my senior prom with a date who will not dance with me(among other reasons). Then, the most important email, the email I put a lot of time and energy into, the email that put it all out there, told him I knew everything and that I was uninterested in a relationship particularly with him and the reasons why. The e-mail that could potentially stop anything from happening any further right then and there was finished up. I went to sign my name and the entire window/email vanished. Now there was a possibility that I accidentally pressed ctrl- something, instead of shift D to make the window close out but that hadn't ever happened to me before and never happened since! Anyway, prom was drawing closer, everything remained the same. Alex's feelings were growing stronger and I was in more denial than ever. Alex decided that he was going to officially ask me to prom regardless and make a commitment to dance with me. In the mean time I was actively searching for someone to go to prom with. Someone who would dance with me! So I finally found someone, went up to him and asked him. He said yes and I had a date to prom. I met up with Alex later that day," Guess what guys(his best friend was there of course) ?! I have a date to prom!" Alex's heart dropped as he was planning on asking me later that day. He had been the one to set up the limo ride to prom and everything! So we all ended up going as a group. We met at Alex's house, Alex, his best friend James, my best friend Ashlie and her date, me and of course my date. Alex's mom was there to help with pictures at his house where the limo showed up and we all piled into the limo. I know, I know....totally brutal for Alex. The night went on, Alex in totally agony. I tried to cheer him up but it just made things worse for him. Yet, he did promise me one slow dance. The night went on, our group got in line for pictures when the next slow song came on. So we skipped that one. The next slow song wasn't until the "last" song of the night. And we dance. All My Life by K-Ci & Jojo played in the background which was a song that had profound meaning to me but more than just the music, I felt an ultimate comfort, like nothing else mattered and I was right where I was supposed to be, in the arms of Alex. Another song played, we kept dancing, and then our goofy teacher started singing and the lights came on and we kept dancing. Finally, a friend came to break us up and the whole denial thing was working less and less for me as the moments passed by. We all piled back into the limo, during the limo ride I was hanging out with my date and this overwhelming feeling came over me, something I hadn't realized before, with Alex it IS different. At that very moment all denial had faded away.....I realized I did have feelings for Alex but it was deeper than just plain fuzzy feelings it was a comfort and a closeness, it was trust and connection. You see, I believe to this day that it had to work out that I didn't go to prom with Alex in order for me to burst out of the friendship denial to realize it really was different with Alex. If I had gone to prom with him it would be just like any other event where I would attribute our good time with the fact that we were best friends. Over the next week or so I became more aware of the reality of beginning a relationship with Alex. So a few days before actual graduation, there was an award ceremony that I was attending. Afterward, Alex and I planned to go see Finding Nemo at the movie theaters. During the trolley ride there and back I pictured us together. We got back to his place later on that evening. We began to talk. He was so embarrassed and holding back and I told him, "Just tell me, tell me how you feel!" He took a deep breath and told me he loved me. I was actually a little bit surprised. I didn't really realize that he felt that strongly. I told him, I didn't think I could say the same but that I really cared for him and that I wanted to try and see what happens between us in a relationship. Honestly, I told him right then that there was a good chance we would get married. This was because I didn't take my relationships lightly, I was only willing to start a relationship with someone who I could  possibly marry. Both of us were not sure if it would work out that way but I believe we both knew deep down that it was true. We both made a commitment in our hearts not to take our relationship lightly and to treat it as if we planned to get married. I felt a special love from Alex because I knew of how long he had felt the way he had and how he never gave up his feelings. This gave me hope that we were meant to be together. So, in that moment our relationship began, we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Alex likes to claim that he "broke" me because I told him I didn't want to date "in high school". He can have that point. However, it should be pointed out that the reasons for not wanting to date "in high school" no longer mattered a few days before graduation. Hehe.To be continued........

Church

I want to go to church I really do. Funny thing is I haven't been regularly in years. It's weird, it is almost like I am not supposed to be in church right now. A few years ago, I was going to this very small church, only about 30 people or so average. I never really felt apart of the church or anything but I loved the pastor and l learned a lot. So I kept going. Alex would only go once in a while, he had a hard time relating to the same level as the pastor. So, due to drama that occurred before I started going to the church, the church started to decline even more. More and more people left, so there was only 15 or so. I still tried to feel apart of the church as far as fellowship goes but it only got worse in my opinion. So I stopped going. I tried the other church that many who left were attending, but decided I didnt really like it, this time the opposite, I liked the fellowship but didnt like the pastor. So I saw my old pastor again and decided I wanted to try to go again, I found out that they were no longer meeting in the church building but at his home, so I got his address. Of course, I lost it. So there was one big connection I had with him, but I didn't know the person very well. So I started talking to him and was leading to asking him about the address. A few days later the pastor past away suddenly. I couldn't believe it, right when I was about to go back. I was totally lost. So over the these few years I have tried a several churches and they all haven't worked out. Some church I was invited to randomly and thought for sure it was meant to be but then they didn't seem "right." In fact, once I was randomly invited to a church that just so happened to be using the same building of the church I was going to with the pastor that passed away. Most recently I decided I was going to try a church that might be a bit of a drive. So I went and I liked it. I spoke with a woman for many hours. I was pretty excited, I was hoping Alex would like it too. Then a few weeks later (in fact, a few weeks ago) the pastor stepped down and was no longer going to be apart of the church. Sure, I could try it again and see how the other pastor does but there were a few things that I wasn't too sure about in the first place as far as the organization of the church and I just don't think it's a good time to start going to a church in the midst of so much drama and separation. So, it's like, "What is going on??" Every time I try, I hit a dead end as far as going to church. I felt lead to really try and cultivate and concentrate on my own personal relationship with God and then in God's timing he would lead me to the right church. Maybe I should try harder! The whole thing is a big messy cycle and I just keep praying for a church.

ABRA-theraputic baths!

Totally excited! Went to ROSS yesterday and came across an interesting item. ABRA-Therapeutic baths-cellular detox bath. It was at a discount of $5.99. The item seemed really intriguing to me. I looked at it for a few minutes. Organic Herbal Formula!, enriched with vitamins! Made in USA! No Animal Testing! Nothing artificial! Ok, I had to try this. I was curious about this "cellular detox bath", so I investigated online. Lo and behold, found great reviews about this stuff. Supposedly helps eliminate the toxins on your skin from smog and other impuritans in the air etc and causes your skin to feel really good, smooth, clean etc. I am really excited to try this stuff now! I will definitely have to update my experience when I do in a few days!

Edit: Looks like I am going to have to wait until I have a bigger/better bath tub to get the full effects

Ending the ignorance: the beginning of ethical and economical consumership

Many, many years ago, I had read an article that talked about the cultivation of cocoa beans around the world. I still remember feeling quite uneasy as I read about how many major chocolate manufacturers used cocoa beans that were cultivated by slaves on African soil. I started to realize right then how slavery has not gone away.  http://www.organicconsumers.org/fair_trade/slavechocolate060414.cfm 

"Sweat shops" are no secret. We know full well that products made in most underdeveloped countries are made in factories where there is no way of verifying fair labor practices and in most cases there is nothing fair about the production of these products. We know in the back of our minds the bleak and dark reality of what "made in China" really means. The very real possibility that these products are made at the hands of workers who are possibly even children who have spent all day, making pennies on the hour with no regulation or protection. 

A huge transformation happened in my thinking a few years back when I wrote a paper in my U.S. history course. I was asked, "Now that you understand the harsh reality of the industrial revolution in the Northern states, which do you think is worse, the extreme conditions of the factories where immigrants were taken advantage of and made little money and worked in factories where conditions were bad enough to make people ill etc. or slavery?"
The point of this paper was to really consider how the industrial revolution and the "north" weren't as innocent as they may seem at first glace of U.S. history. I decided they were both very wrong. Yet, I felt an uneasiness about writing how bad this all was when I knew in my heart that these things were still going on today and as a typical consumer I supported it. Convenience and affordability are more important that the ethics of how the product is produced. I realized, nothing has changed. Just because these things aren't happening on US soil (legally) doesn't make it obsolete. 

I knew at that time, things had to change for me in how I purchase my products. I also knew it is such bold and different task that it couldn't just happen right away.......... 

LOVE is patient (a personal reflection)

It is all too easy to be impatient. It comes so naturally to rush or get frustrated when things are not going our way. We get impatient because of lack of planning on our part and then take it out on others. We get impatient because we forget that people make mistakes and are not perfect. We allow no room for error for others but expect others to allow plenty of room for our own errors. Living impatiently quickly adds negative attributes to our lives like stress, frustration, madness, chaos etc. Yet, we can choose to live patiently. Taking a deep breath, taking perspective on the situation, taking responsibility for ourselves and realizing that others are not perfect will change everything.  The world becomes clear and patience is attainable. Patience gives us peace. It turns our stressful situation into a peaceful situation. Patience forces us to let go of the control we think we have and let things happen the way they are supposed to happen. AGAPE is patient. When we choose to live patiently we choose to love God, love others and love ourselves. I think the world would be so much more beautiful if we all showed love in just this one way. When we talk about "love your neighbor" and "free love" and "let's all just love one another" and "my religion is love" it is easy to just say that without knowing what it really means. Actually living the attributes of love such as patience is hard to do without a little effort. I pledge to live my life patiently, letting go of rushing, letting things happen they way they are supposed to, taking my time, letting people make mistakes, letting go of frustration and living peacefully. When I feel myself start to get impatient I will make a conscious effort to reverse my attitude. I am not going to pretend like I will do this perfectly but I am going to make a substantial effort.

Towards Ethical and Economical Consumerism

   I have offically declared that by the end of 2011, I will be fully versed in all things made in USA, fair trade and ethically produced. I will avoid buying any kinds of cocoa bean products, coffee products, teas, cotton products and other products known to be cultivated by off shore slave labor unless I know they are certified fair trade. I will aviod buying all products made in China, Korea, Mexico, Indonesia, India and other countries known for their "sweat shops" and unethical labor practices. I will let myself be slightly inconvienced and will budget in for the possible higher cost. The vast majority of my purchases will support ethical trade, ethical production, the United States economy and the local community economy.

I will not let myself be ignorant about the things I buy. 

FOOD!

It's the new year and it's time to start thinking about improvements. The first thing that has come to my mind in the new year is : food. I really want to eat better. One of the best ways I can make an improvement and really take eating better seriously is by making more food at home. Plus, I want to encourage Alex to eat better too, so he can feel realistic about loosing weight. So I am hereby making the goal to start by making one recipe each week along with making a batch of chicken. I love recipes and I am actually pretty good at cooking, just have always struggled with finding a good routine in making food. So, I am going to start small by cooking one recipe per week, this way there is no set day or time of day and if I need to I can make a whole batch of chili for the week or soup or something that will be good for the whole week. Then, I will also make the goal to clean up right away. This way a mess will not pile up which encourages us to go out for food and makes it overwhelming to keep cooking. This way, as I get into the routine and find recipes I love and can cook by memory, the whole thing will be much easier and therefore I will be much happier.